I once read that Hunter S. Thompson, as a young and ambitious writer, tried to improve his writing by copying word for word the opening chapter of The Great Gatsby.

At that age, long before he became a literary legend, Thompson considered Fitzgerald’s book to be the great American novel, or close to it. So he typed it out to better understand the cadence, the rhythm, the style, the mood.

When we are all young, we copy our heroes, our mentors, our parents – until we gain a footing ourselves and go off on our own. We learn to flap our wings, or gums, and take off.

Recently, I came across another idea on copying that goes further. The idea is this: When you copy something, don’t just type it, write it by hand. The thinking is that copying something down in handwriting makes you go slower and actually think about what you are writing.

It also shows you why short sentences are better and why commas are important, and where they should go. It’s like learning in slow motion, which is a better…way…to…learn.

This doesn’t just apply to writing a book or story. If you are a cook, for instance, writing down a recipe by hand makes you think about each ingredient and step. Odds are you are less likely to forget to put garlic in the Tex-Mex Lasagna (as I have done).

Everyone loves receiving a handwritten letter. Unless your handwriting is indecipherable, like my mother’s was, which was exasperating (a word she said often to me in person, but if she ever wrote it I couldn’t read it).

If you are writing an important email, try it first long hand, with cross outs and new starts. Then type it and send it. It will help you clarify your thoughts and improve your message.

And when you type it by reading your handwriting, you’re less likely to have typos. I remember my horror when I wrote an ad for a client that said, “Stay smart. Think positve.” I had left out the second “i” in positive. My client (Linda F.) spotted it and brought it to my attention. It got changed fast, before it ran thank god – a full page ad in the Portland Business Journal.

If that law firm ad had run with the typo, I would have had to leave town and I'd still be hiding out today - perhaps with Hunter S. Thompson, in the clouds and bars above. Looking for a pen.

Call me Les.

It didn’t last. After 600 years, the resort town was sacked by Muslim raiders in the 8th century and by 1500, Baiae was abandoned. The water level slowly rose (through volcanic vents) and the ancient ruins are now an empire under the sea. Makes me think of our current fledgling (compared to Rome) republic. How long will it last? The waters are rising. That’s a fact.

It also made me think of that gut-punch of a movie, Planet of the Apes, with Charlton Heston coming upon the Statue of Liberty buried to her waist in the sand, as he realized the planet he was on was Earth, sometime in the future.

I tried adding a photo of the Statue of Liberty to the picture above, half sticking out of the sea bottom. But using only scissors and tape (lacking Photoshop skills), the image looked stupid. Laughable. Just as I’m sure ancient Romans, if alive today, would deem the image above to be.

Photo: Baiae, Atlas Obscura

This is our 2nd collaboration - our first being “Driving Strangers: Diary of an Uber Driver” produced a few years ago. The 98-page book is available on Amazon.

And this is what it’s come to in smoky Portland, where Ben wears a mask indoors and implores us to as well, and wonders if we’ve gone to hell and I tell him no not yet but the world is heading that way, and he asks how anyone these days - with all the infernos and storms and melting glaciers and towns burned to the ground - can still not believe in climate change and I can only say they are sadly deranged.

What’s more, I’ve heard some say that he’s alive and that he did not die in 1917 as recorded – which would make him about 170 years old. This is definitely a story worth pursuing I told myself (and my wife who said get outta my sight), and thus I set out six days ago in search of Buffalo Bill, aka William F. Cody or Colonel Cody to those who knew/know him best.

My route went south to West Yellowstone, east across Yellowstone Park, out the east entrance, and on 60 miles to Cody (a town founded by the good Colonel) whereupon I checked into the Buffalo Bill Antler’s Inn.

I caught numerous sights of the Colonel over the next couple days (mostly at the world-class Buffalo Bill Museum), but we didn’t have words together. I did see him talking sign language with an old Indian friend who’d been with him in Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show, in which Cody convinced Sitting Bull and a whole passel of Indians and cowboys to sail across the ocean to London and Paris and put on a mythic “frontier” spectacle for 30 odd years. I mean, who does that? I’ll tell you who. Nobody – except my presumed great, grand relation – Uncle Bill.

Bill’s tracks led north from Cody and I followed them toward Montana. After about 18 miles, they angled west and I headed that way – across the Sunlight Basin, now known as the Chief Joseph Scenic Highway. It’s a vast expanse of heavenly mountains and hills that will bring you to your knees – dangerous driving because your eyes simply cannot stay on the winding road.

This is where “This land is your land” really means something. Old westerns should’ve been shot here and I thank god they weren’t. The roads are near empty; strange since it’s only 50 miles from the horde of numbskulls traipsing out into bison herds for selfies in Yellowstone Park.

Sunlight Basin is a spiritual place in ways I can’t begin to put words to; if you’re an atheist you may want to stay away if you wish to remain one.

But alas, my eyes kept wandering to the mountains and I lost the trail of my kin Bill Cody. I think he’s out there, along with many others in these parts, some I know personally who have passed on to greener pastures. (RIP Maizie).

I decided to let Bill be and drove on over Beartooth Pass to Red Lodge, a small town on the edge of the mountains where I and many others were tear-gassed on Main Street, July 4th, 1975 (see attached photo of local news of the mayhem). But that’s a story for another day.

While I didn’t catch up with my great ancestor Buffalo Bill and cannot confirm if he’s alive, I did see why he settled in this part of the universe. There’s really no place like it.

I like to think he and I will share yarns some day in the future, though mine would pale in comparison to his. I could tell him about coasting down Beartooth Pass in my parents’ Toyota in neutral with the engine off to save gas and make it to Red Lodge. He’d be amazed at that, and would want to try riding this Toyota – such a strange name for a steed.

Wouldn’t it be grand? The Colonel and I riding off together through Sunlight Basin again, as kin. If only I could ride a horse.

In short, it’s a first-person crime noir with a memoir undertone. It takes place in Portland, New Orleans, and Montana (mostly Billings) and clocks in at 292 pages, according to Kindle. I’ve self-published it as an ebook.

If you’re starved for some riveting action – like watching a train wreck (it has a train chase) – then A KILLER STORY might be for you. It will certainly help kill some time. In truth, it could be so wretchedly bad that it’s good. That’s fine with me.

If you’re interested (and I wouldn’t blame you if you weren’t), there’s a book synopsis below and a couple links to where you can find it – on Amazon Kindle, Apple Books, and a few other places I’ve never heard of.

It will set you back $4.99 (money back if you hate it and can find me). I’m happy to send you a standard pdf file of the book for FREE if you want to forego the five bucks. Just message me your email.

A heads up: This book is a bizarre work of FICTION. In other words, it’s not entirely true.

Kindle: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B086H5PHGY/ref=kwrp_li_stb_nodl

Apple Books, Barnes & Noble, and others: https://books2read.com/AKillerStory

SYNOPSIS
Based in part on personal journals, A KILLER STORY is the morally strangled tale of a guy named Teddy Murphy who in his younger years is coerced to take photos for a gang of vigilante New Orleans ex-cops who dispense justice and pain for profit and pleasure. He tries to skip town, is tracked down, and commanded to kill someone or his daughter will disappear, never to be found.

Teddy can’t kill someone (he thinks), so he concocts a mad scheme to fake the hit. The wheels come off and Teddy’s outlandish plan takes a wild turn, ending in the backcountry of remote Montana, where grizzlies and wolves outrank humans.
Will Teddy make the hit? Will he be the one killed? Will his wife leave him? Will he use his “escape bag” to run for his life? Or will he face justice himself and be redeemed for his sins? Whatever the outcome, it’s a killer story for certain.

It’s true, I’ve got a gut. It’s not a huge gut, but still I must admit it is indeed a gut. Unlike a washboard gut, it’s more of a “washtub” gut, as my wife jokes.

My gut has instincts like our President’s gut, but I would never make life or death decisions based on those instincts. My gut instincts are more like not to use the mayo that’s been in the fridge for years. Or not to wear a Speedo in public.

One thing my gut tells me is that laughing is good for you, particularly during tough times. Of course, that’s not exactly a revelation. My gut is no genius, but it does have a sense of humor. Research shows that infants and kids laugh multiple times a day and as we age we stop laughing as much. We get serious. That’s sad. My gut says we should try to make each other laugh.

With that in mind, here are some things that have made me laugh.

From the Internets:

- I haven’t cleaned the house for 2 years because I’ve never had the time. Now I see that wasn’t the reason.
- If you have trouble staying home and social distancing, shave your eyebrows.
- Wash your hands well, as if you were making dinner for Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
- Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once (then wash all my hands).

Funny quotes:

- Never slap someone who is chewing tobacco. (Octopuses take heed.)
Will Rogers
- It is an ironic habit of humans to run faster when we have lost our way.
Rollo May, Psychologist
- If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
Woody Allen

Kids notes to God:

- Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones why don’t you just keep the ones you got now? - Drew
- Dear God, I am an American. What are you? - Emily
- Dear God, I bet it is very hard for you to love every body in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. - Satchell
- Dear God, I went to a wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that ok? - Hazel

Babies laughing uproariously:

Hope you have a laugh today, or several.

Be smart, be kind, be funny.

This came to mind when I read some research on how to communicate with others – especially folks (including children) who don’t see eye to eye with you on certain things.

Be careful with negativity. Research has shown that negativity has a detrimental effect on the brain. It can change neural pathways (form ruts) and lead to long-lasting negative thinking. Evidence also shows that positivity – using words that express kindness and respect – can open pathways to further communication and create connections for more constructive dialogue.

That’s the central premise of "Words Can Change Your Brain," a book co-authored by Andrew Newberg, M.D., director of research at the Myrna Brind Center of Integrative Medicine and Medical College; and Mark Waldman, Loyola Marymount communication professor.

They believe that from an early age our minds are “hardwired to respond favorably to certain types of speech and negatively to others.” As children, our brains are molded by the words we hear. Teaching children to use positive words helps them with emotional control and can even increase their attention spans.

Newberg states: “If you’re always emotionally stressed as a child, you become more easily stressed and more anxious throughout the rest of your life, almost. Those early childhood years are really essential for trying to create connections in the brain that foster more compassion, love and forgiveness and less fear and anxiety.”

Research also indicates that we often talk too much – longer than the average person is able to easily digest. Our brains can only grasp four things at a time. If you speak too long and make numerous points, the person listening will get just a portion of it. Eyes glaze over. Minds wander off. So I’d better finish this.

To get your point across, try to be more positive than negative. Use short sentences, simple words, and avoid adverbs and adjectives (which show bias). Limit your argument to just a few sentences at a time, approximately 30 seconds max. After that, comprehension drops like a rock.

Compassionate and kind trumps mean and nasty. Enough said.

Like trudging through deep snow, I read all the way through a lengthy holiday missive that landed in our mailbox the other day, wading through names and pictures of people I don’t know, distant relatives of my wife with mundane news of the year – changes at home, trips taken, family updates with no one forsaken. I longed for a black sheep, and a martini well shaken.

Bored stiff, I sat and consumed the entire bland thing in full. Am I a glutton for punishment? Apparently so. But more than that, I swallowed it all because some soul took the time to write it, dig up our address, pony up a first-class stamp, and put it in the mail. And that’s no trifling thing in these trolling times. Makes me wish I got more letters. Even if from total strangers. Or black sheep.

Write soon.

HOW TO WRITE A BETTER HOLIDAY LETTER

- Avoid overused expressions like like, like really, like WTF, like WHEN WILL THIS WORD EVER DIE?!, and great, awesome, disgrace, you got this...

- Aim for a length of 1.5–2 pages. Anything less is too brief (why bother) and anything more is too much of you and yours. Narcissism is out, empathy is in.

- If you traveled somewhere stellar (Antarctica), include pictures. If you went somewhere so-what (Las Vegas), please no pics.

- Christmas is a loaded word, not always cool. If you fear using it, go with Yule. It's coming back.

- Don’t drink rum and eggnog when writing your letter, drink whisky. Instead of relaxed and nostalgic, you’ll have the edge to be more candid. People love honesty. Even more than pie.

- If you have nothing of import to report, make something up. Be amusing. It’s goes down even better than honesty. Example: Mom moved in with us and has started feeding vodka to the cat. We may have to give her away (the cat).

- Be positive in tone, but throw in some negativity. If Teddy robbed a Christmas tree lot and is cooling his heels in the hoosegow, say so. Troubles humanize us. And schadenfreude is a guilty pleasure we all enjoy. Share it.

- Don’t talk about work unless you backed over your boss with a forklift and killed him. Nobody cares.

- Proof the letter closelyyy. Grammar is like gravity – disrespecting the rules can make you fall on your ass.

- Even if it’s April, it’s never too late to write a beyond-great holiday letter. Send me one. Have a cool Yule!